Photo by Kenzie Stone
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October 18th, 2016 Journal Entry
"These past six weeks have been a whirlwind of one thing after another. There have been many changes from many directions. Sometimes in my head I ask, 'Why? Why one more thing? I have wanted all of it to stop, but is that how it works? 'During these challenging times I have felt exhaustion, and I've asked myself how much more will come. But, do I believe in God's promised blessings?
The Apostle Paul said that Satan desires to have God's children and to sift them as wheat. But, Christ prays that our faith will not fail. So, hold on. Have hope. Trust God. It will be ok in the end. Do not doubt because that is what Satan wants."
The Beginning of a Journey: October 20th, 2016
While sitting behind the wheel, I try to gather my thoughts from the unexpected impact. Shock makes it difficult to comprehend, and I feel as though I am in a dream. My breath is taken away from the blow of the airbag to my face, but oddly enough, I am at peace. I feel safe.
The first thing my eyes concentrate on is the smoke filling the space around me. It begins to dissipate, and I stare at the shattered glass around me. I see a crushed apple on the dashboard that somehow made its way from the backseat to the windshield during impact.
Then I see blood but not my blood; it's coming from the face of a girl standing next to my car door shaking and saying, "I am so sorry. I am so so sorry!"
Trying to wrap my head around what had just happened, I look down at my arms and see not a single cut or scratch. But my neck and head—that is what I feel along with sharp pain. Many questions fill my head, but I don't know how to respond except to assure the girl standing next to me that everything would be okay.
The neighbors across the road run outside to our aid assuring us that an ambulance and the police were on their way. My next thought was, "Oh no! My parents..." I was afraid to call them because no parent wants to hear that their son or daughter had just been in an accident. I knew it would terrify them both considering the fact that they had lost a child in a car accident.
I decided to call my father, and when he answered, I said, "Hey dad," with a shaken voice of emotions. He already knew what had happened. "You've been in an accident, haven't you?" I assured him that I was ok and told him the location just north of our home.
An ambulance and the police then arrived, and the police began to ask me many questions: What happened exactly? Where were you going? Where were you coming from? What is your birth date? How old are you? What is today's date?
Still sitting behind the wheel, I watched my parents pull up in their red Ford Explorer, and immediately my attention drew to my mother running towards me. I watched her run past the police and the shattered glass scattered throughout the road. I remember her embrace and that when she held me, it felt like time had stopped. As we released our embrace, my eyes searched for hers and found tears dripping down her face. I didn't feel like they were tears of sadness, but tears of a loving concerned mother.
After more questions and being checked over, the police insisted I take the ambulance to the emergency room to get checked out. I wanted to go with my parents instead, and they took me to the emergency room to be looked over by the nurses and doctor. Thankfully, the doctor found only slight whiplash, a concussion, and shock from the impact. He told me that I was free to return home later that day.
My father drove me home from the hospital while I tried to comprehend the events of that morning. That day, time stood still. I was not worried about tomorrow. I was not worried about homework, the test that I had to take the following day, or if there was anything I was going to miss. All I cared about in that moment was being there with my dad. I wanted to be there, not just physically, but presently I wanted to be there with my dad.
When we returned home, he and my mother helped me to my bed so that I could rest. Before leaving me, I remember both of my parents leaning over to me from both sides of the bed—Mom on my right and Dad on my left. Dad offered a prayer, not asking for anything, but a prayer of gratitude thanking Heavenly Father for my protection that day.
A few hours later I awoke to my parents in my room. Dad had been on the phone with the police gathering a report of the accident that morning. Both vehicles, mine and the other girl's, had been totaled. Considering the speed of both vehicles at about 40-50 mph with a head on collision, the police reported that myself and the other girl got pretty lucky and should've been hurt worse or even killed. If the impact had happened one second sooner on my side, it would have been a lot worse.
That day I was reminded that life is short and can be taken at any moment. What's more important, I was also reminded that God plays a daily part in our lives—big and small.
This report came with such surprise, but that surprise turned into peace. I cannot convey the feelings of gratitude that I had that day. In fact, I didn't completely understand the feelings I had then; that has come with time.
I'm Short... And so is Life
That day and the following day are two turning points that began a journey for me. The night of my accident, my father gave me a Priesthood blessing. I can’t remember all of the words in the blessing, but I remember one line that has stuck with me just about every day. It said, “Your Heavenly Father had many hands involved today.”
I have always believed in God, His power, miracles, angels, and that those we love who have passed on are closer to us than we think. But that day, I discovered for myself that miracles happen every day—again, in big ways as well as small and simple.
The next thing that stood out to me came from a conversation with my father the following day. He said to me, “Katrina, this life is too short to worry and stress all the time.” Which if you knew me, I would constantly stress and worry over EVERYTHING.
That day it hit me again that life can be taken at any moment. My entire life I have battled anxiety constantly. Sometimes I have even felt that I was the very source of my anxiety. But, after having this experience that has been very special and sacred to me, I decided that I was going to change some things in my life, and I was going to show gratitude for my life.
Something I first decided was not holding back and doing those things that scared me, including receiving counseling and taking care of myself. Another decision I made which came through an answer to prayer was that I needed to start paying attention to those blessings in my life—big and small.
So, I bought a journal. Along with a journal, I would listen to everything I could on the topic of gratitude. I searched talks by people from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Ted Talks, songs, books, etc. Basically, any mention of gratitude would get me hyped up.
Forget Me Not Gratitude
I remembered a talk that meant a lot to me during my first semester of college and while serving a mission for my church in the UK. It is called “Forget Me Not” by then President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, but it has now brought a new meaning to me.
(Photo by Anna Rozwadowska on Unsplash)
President Uchtdorf referenced the five petals of a forget me not flower to five principles in his talk never to forget. It’s a pretty cheesy idea, but I decided I was going to come up with my own “Forget me Nots”, and one of those was gratitude.
Along with writing in my journal what I was grateful for, I wanted to put up what I was grateful for somewhere I could constantly see to help me remember. My friend helped me with her beautiful handwriting and I put a simple piece of paper up on my wall that said: “Forget me Not Gratitude.”
For months, I put a sticky note up on my wall each day surrounding my sign. These sticky notes had things written on them from individual’s names, experiences, things, places, and I’m pretty sure I put sleep up there more than once!
This helped me every day to recognize the blessings in my life and to focus my thoughts on being grateful for my life. I then kept a gratitude journal for about one year which I love to look back on and read. Through these conscious efforts, gratitude has become a subconscious thing, but I still constantly have to be reminded. We all do.
Gratitude has been one of the biggest anecdotes in my life against anxiety. Anxiety is a complicated thing, and I believe that everyone experiences it on varying levels. But, as Steve Young said in his book “My Life Behind the Spiral,” I also believe that gratitude can replace anxiety.
That’s another topic for another day, but I share these things with you because gratitude has helped me to recognize those “Silver Linings” in my life. These past 3+ years, I have been on a journey of discovering them. They are large and small. They are simple and meaningful. They are miracles and tender mercies. They are evidence to me of others’ love. They are evidence to me of God’s love.
I believe that these small and big every day miracles, such as the day that “God had many hands involved” in my life are there.
15 And now, O all ye that have imagined up unto yourselves a God who can do no miracles, I would ask of you, have all these things passed, of which I have spoken? Has the end come yet? Behold I say unto you, Nay; and God has not ceased to be a God of miracles.
16 Behold, are not the things that God hath wrought marvelous in our eyes? Yea, and who can comprehend the marvelous works of God?
17 Who shall say that it was not a miracle that by his word the heaven and the earth should be; and by the power of his word man was created of the dust of the earth; and by the power of his word have miracles been wrought?
18 And who shall say that Jesus Christ did not do many mighty miracles? And there were many mighty miracles wrought by the hands of the apostles.
19 And if there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles (The Book of Mormon).
Yes, miracles still exist! That is what Silver Linings means to me. They are the daily miracles that could potentially be looked past. They are the daily miracles that I did look past and still do at times.
There are moments when I have not been able to see these miracles in my life. There was a time when my family and others around us prayed, fasted, and begged for a miracle to save my brother who was seriously injured and dying, but his life ended what felt like too soon.
I don’t have the answers. I don’t know all of God’s plans like why I was kept safe that day in my car accident but my brother was not. I do not believe in the answer: “If I would’ve just had more faith, then maybe it would have worked out.”
We must have faith, and we must continue to have faith. Don’t forget that some things happen out of our control and that we can’t explain. We do not have all of the answers, but one day we will because of “an high priest of good things to come” (Hebrews 9:11).
Jesus Christ & God: The Ultimate Silver Linings
Focusing on gratitude has helped me immensely these past few years, but there is nothing that has helped me more than the love of a just and merciful God and His son Jesus Christ who atoned for you and me. To me, they are the ultimate “silver linings.”
I struggled to include less, but this section from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk, “An High Priest of Good Things to Come,” puts it perfectly as to why Christ is the hope that we can look to:
Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better. Moroni spoke of it in the Book of Mormon as “hope for a better world” (Ether 12:4) ... Everyone needs to be able to look forward to some respite, to something pleasant and renewing and hopeful… It is enough just to know we can get there, that however measured or far away, there is the promise of “good things to come.”
My declaration is that this is precisely what the gospel of Jesus Christ offers us, especially in times of need. There is help. There is happiness. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. It is the Light of the World, the Bright and Morning Star, the “light that is endless, that can never be darkened” (Mosiah 16:9). It is the very Son of God Himself.
To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His “more excellent ministry” with a future of “better promises.” He is your “high priest of good things to come.”
I think of newly called missionaries leaving family and friends to face, on occasion, some rejection and some discouragement and, at least in the beginning, a moment or two of homesickness and perhaps a little fear.
I think of young mothers and fathers who are faithfully having their families while still in school—or just newly out—trying to make ends meet even as they hope for a brighter financial future someday. At the same time, I think of other parents who would give any earthly possession they own to have a wayward child return.
I think of single parents who face all of this but face it alone, having confronted death or divorce, alienation or abandonment, or some other misfortune they had not foreseen in happier days and certainly had not wanted.
I think of those who want to be married and aren’t, those who desire to have children and cannot, those who have acquaintances but very few friends, those who are grieving over the death of a loved one or are themselves ill with disease. I think of those who suffer from sin—their own or someone else’s—who need to know there is a way back and that happiness can be restored. I think of the disconsolate and downtrodden who feel life has passed them by, or now wish that it would pass them by.
To all of these and so many more, I say: Cling to your faith. Hold on to your hope. “Pray always, and be believing” (Doctrine & Covenants 90:24) … Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek. He does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed.
In spite of this counsel, I know some of you do truly feel at sea, in the most frightening sense of that term. Out in troubled waters, you may even now be crying with the poet:
It darkens. I have lost the ford.
There is a change on all things made.
The rocks have evil faces, Lord,
And I am [sore] afraid. (Joseph Hilaire Belloc)
Always remember in that biblical story that He was out there on the water also, that He faced the worst of it right along with the newest and youngest and most fearful. Only one who has fought against those ominous waves is justified in telling us—as well as the sea—to “be still” (Mark 4:39). Only one who has taken the full brunt of such adversity could ever be justified in telling us in such times to “be of good cheer” (John 16:33). Such counsel is not a jaunty pep talk about the power of positive thinking, though positive thinking is much needed in the world. No, Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them. But even as the Lord avoids sugary rhetoric, He rebukes faithlessness and He deplores pessimism. He expects us to believe!
To a degree far more than we will ever understand, He was “a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Mosiah 14:3). Indeed, to the layman in the streets of Judea, Christ’s career must have seemed a failure, a tragedy, a good man totally overwhelmed by the evils surrounding Him and the misdeeds of others. He was misunderstood or misrepresented, even hated from the beginning. No matter what He said or did, His statements were twisted, His actions suspected, His motives impugned. In the entire history of the world no one has ever loved so purely or served so selflessly—and been treated so diabolically for His effort. Yet nothing could break His faith in His Father’s plan or His Father’s promises. Even in those darkest hours at Gethsemane and Calvary, He pressed on, continuing to trust in the very God whom He momentarily feared had forsaken Him.
Because Christ’s eyes were unfailingly fixed on the future, He could endure all that was required of Him, suffer as no man can suffer except it be “unto death,” (Mosiah 3:7) as King Benjamin said, look upon the wreckage of individual lives and the promises of ancient Israel lying in ruins around Him and still say then and now, “Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27). How could He do this? How could He believe it? Because He knows that for the faithful, things will be made right soon enough. He is a King; He speaks for the crown; He knows what can be promised. He knows that “the Lord … will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. … For the needy shall not alway[s] be forgotten: the expectation of the poor shall not perish for ever” (Psalm 9:9,18). He knows that “the Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” He knows that “the Lord redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate” (Psalm 34:18,22).
…Don’t give up… Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead…You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come… They sustain us in our hour of need—and always will, even if we cannot recognize that intervention. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. Of that I personally attest.
I love Elder Holland’s words and know that as I have looked to my Savior and recognized God’s hand in my life, I have found greater hope, comfort, and peace. When life sucks or throws curve balls, They are the ultimate “silver linings” that help us through, and as we keep our covenants, we will be blessed with those promises to come. Some may not agree with this, and that is ok.
In a journal entry of mine from October 18, 2016, “Despite all of the exhaustion, tears, and pain, I know that this is true: God has NEVER left me. I have felt His love. I have felt His love through other people. I have felt it through prayers, reading the Book of Mormon and other scriptures, and I feel Him when I go to the temple or drive up and park by the temple. As hard as it is, I am so grateful, because if anything, God is continually telling me how much He loves me. He knows me. And, He does not leave even during the times that he seems absent. Never forget that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so much, who sent His Only Begotten Son to die for me so that I may return to Him.”
One of the biggest blessings for me has been discovering these every day “Silver Linings," especially my Heavenly Father and His Son. But, I agree with Elder D. Todd Christofferson in saying, “Maybe the greater blessing for us is to have to walk through it with Him.”
Don't forget today to look for the Silver Linings. Love you guys Xxx