In Search of a "Sign" I Found HIS Love
- Katrina Marsden
- Aug 22, 2018
- 8 min read
Unexpected Decisions
So many things were flooding into my head: questions, anxieties, doubts, and fears. My head felt like a rollercoaster with one thought going in one direction, then pulling a loopty-loop with an abrupt turn. I felt the suspense rise with a steep elevation, but I seemed to be stuck at the very top unable to move. It was making me sick to my stomach as I sat in a chair in Derby, England.
“I want to stay, but I don’t know how that’s possible,” I said looking at my family, 4,609 miles across the world over FaceTime.
Words cannot describe how happy and warm I felt to see my parents, my little brother Blake, and my brother Kyle. My heart swelled with love for them in seeing that they actually existed beyond emails and handwritten letters.
I remember them being concerned and asking a lot of questions. They wanted to know how I was doing. After hurting my knee months previous in a soccer game, I received MRI results that indicated my left ACL was completely torn, as well as my meniscus. There is an area medical board for missionaries in the UK area, which stems from Salt Lake City at the Church headquarters, and they concluded that I needed to return home for surgery.
I will be forever grateful to my mission president and his wife who left the decision to my family and I. My father wanted to know the levels of pain, stability and swelling of my injured knee. I answered these questions, knowing that it was important, but I needed to speak with my brother, Kyle. I felt the pressure of trying to make a difficult decision, and he was the one who had been in this position before.
I asked him what his experience was like returning home from his mission early due to health problems. His voice broke and tears dripped from his eyes, and he said, “Honestly Katrina, it was like Hell. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I wouldn’t have been able to get the treatments I needed for three months, so I knew that I needed to go home.”
At this moment, it was like Kyle was in the room with me. I felt him close and we fought back tears together.
He then said, “Whatever you do Katrina, push your hardest to fight it, and no matter what happens in the end, you know it will all be okay because you tried your hardest. If you can only stay out another two weeks, one month, three months, etc. push your hardest.”
I then spoke with my mother and father who said that they would support me in whatever decision I made. My heart ached because I wanted to stay out more than anything, and I expressed that to them, but I didn't see how it would be possible.
After discussing different options, we came to the conclusion as a family that I would stay out if I got a stable brace and watched my knee from month to month. Part of me still felt unsettled about this decision, but I told my family I would pray and fast about the decision we made.
Before hanging up the phone, my father lovingly, but with a tinge of warning, said, “Don’t lose hope, Katrina.”
Throughout the night I continued to ponder what my father said. I was frustrated at this response because I thought that I did have hope and was trying my hardest not to give up. Later that evening I realized my hope was fading dimmer and dimmer, and something about our decision still did not feel right in my gut.
Searching Lead to Love
Two days later, my companion and myself gathered with many others for the Nottingham Stake Conference. For those who don't know what stake conference is, for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints it is a meeting held with members from multiple congregations in an area. I went to this meeting with a prayer and fasting for direction involving my decision.
The very first speaker who happened to be the stake president, President Gray, who is the presiding Priesthood leader for the Nottingham Stake, said something that struck at my heart: "What sign will you give God?"
Throughout the meeting, many speakers spoke on faith, but a reoccurring thought in my mind was “No matter what you choose, to stay in the mission or go home, follow Jesus Christ and keep the commandments.”
This was not the answer I was searching to find. I wanted a “go home” or “stay out”, but that’s not what I received. This just frustrated me more because I wanted Heavenly Father to give me a specific direction.
My mind then kept returning to President Gray's words: "What sign will you give God?"
I had no direct answer, no flashes of lightning, or anything big happen. My answer came through the thoughts in my head of “What sign will I give God”, which were then confirmed through the feelings in my heart and gut. This took my mind back to the night before as I knelt next to my bed.
God is Love. Christ is Love.
As I knelt in prayer in search of what God wanted me to do, I had a difficult time finding words to express the confusion, frustration and emotional exhaustion that I felt. On top of that, the many voices and opinions surrounding me added to the pressure and confusion that I felt. Never, in any moment of my life have I felt so much anxiety and helplessness.
I began to open up all of my feelings to Heavenly Father—the good and the bad. I told him my frustrations, my desire to stay, and all of the opinions around me. I remember just breaking down in tears feeling so incapable of making this decision. For what seemed like minutes, I couldn’t speak, and my tears trickled down my arms.
Then just at once, I went from sobbing to completely no tears at all. My confusion was gone. I felt no frustration. I felt complete peace and my mind stopped racing. When this complete stillness and peace came, in my mind I saw my Savior.
I saw my Savior Jesus Christ kneeling in the Garden of Gethsemane, praying and suffering for MY PAINS, MY SINS, MY WEAKNESSES, and this very moment of my life. Anything that ever brought me pain—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually—he was there with me. Why? Why would he suffer and take upon himself that much pain? BECAUSE HE LOVES ME. BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU!!! And so, we can be ETERNALLY happy.
I watched him, and I saw how much love he has for us. IT IS REAL. It is so real!!! I will testify of this to anyone and that Jesus Christ’s love can be with us no matter who we were or what we’ve done in our past. All we have to do is search for it, and we’ll find it. Because really, his love is already there.
I felt his love for me that night and felt that if he could do all that for me, maybe I could stay for him. Not to say, “Hey, look at me! Look what I did!” But to show Christ my love for him.
As I left that stake meeting and went home that night, I felt confusion start to come again. But, when I knelt in prayer with my mission companion and told Heavenly Father that I was choosing to stay, all the confusion went away again. That same peace and stillness came, which I believe to be the Holy Ghost.
Lessons
That night on September 20, 2015, I learned that “signs” or answers like the ones I was looking for would not come until I moved forward with a decision. I had been in limbo which caused me frustration and anxiety. I needed to show Heavenly Father my “sign” and trust that he would confirm as I moved forward.
I couldn’t play it month by month. I couldn’t just push my hardest as Kyle advised. Instead, I decided to move forward, trust in God, and show my Savior my love for him.
I also learned and felt that Christ’s love is so real. When I felt it, I didn’t feel alone. This brought me courage to make a decision, which I felt would be best for me. His love is always there, and will be there during the hardest and easiest circumstances.
(Picture by Greg Olsen & one of my favorites!)
It’s almost been three years since the decision to stay, but there are other important things that I’m continuing to learn from that week and the months that followed.
As I knelt in prayer that night, I realized that Christ’s ministry, his love and service, did not end the day that he was crucified. He was resurrected. He lives today and the messages and doctrine that he taught are on the earth, restored by the Prophet Joseph Smith, and we are living with those blessings today... temples, a modern day Prophet, knowledge that God continues to speak to His children, and many more!!! Christ’s ministry did not end, and neither does ours. Missionary or not, we can always be a disciple of Jesus Christ.
Another lesson I’m learning is that moments of big decisions will come into our lives, often unexpectedly. What’s almost more important is the small, every day decisions that we make leading up to and after those big decisions.
And lastly, no matter what, choose God and put Him first above all things. We have a promise! A sweet promise found in the Book of Mormon: “But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” (3 Nephi 13:33).
It can be so difficult at times to put God first over our own wants. I feel like countless times in the past few years went completely different than what I planned. So many times, I have begged Heavenly Father and said, “This is too hard! I can’t do this! Why is this happening?” BUT, no matter how hard it’s been to choose God and His Son or to follow through on those reoccurring thoughts, I have seen amazing blessings come from all of it.
In their book, "Cheers to Eternity", Al and Ben Carraway say:
"We have a God, and he is ours. He guides, directs, warns, strengthens, and gives us the greatest things. Choose God every day. Every day, choose eternal salvation. Because when we decide and re-decide to choose Heavenly Father, the rest of life seems to fall into place the way it is supposed to. 'We know that all things work together for good to them that love God.' (Romans 8:28)."
It may be hard, but oh boy, it is so worth it! Because Heavenly father loves you! He seriously does want the very best for you, and it has been PREPARED for you as you choose to follow Jesus Christ and keep the commandments.
We make mistakes, but as we try our best that's all that God asks for. We have the sweet power of Christ's love and sacrifices of his Atonement. We have God's merciless love who only wants us to keep trying to be the best that we can with the help of our Savior.
God loves you. He wants you to be happy. He wants to bless you beyond your imagination, and HE—your Father—wants you to return back home to Him one day. When you choose Him, “all these things shall be added unto you.”
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